Love Languages to Improve your Relationships

Is there anything worse than getting a card with nothing but a signature inside?  Not to someone whose love language is words of affirmation.

How would you feel if someone sent you flowers because they flaked on you… again? If your love language is gifts, you’d probably appreciate the thought. But, if your love language is quality time, you might just wonder if that person is trying to buy your affection.

So what exactly is a love language? Well, the ones I’m talking about are “the 5” of the The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  In his book he explains how different people not only experience but express love.  While the original book is really aimed at couples, love languages can be used in any and every relationship. Yes, even at work.

The Languages are:

• Words of Affirmation (words)

• Quality Time (time)

• Physical Touch (touch)

• Acts of Service (service)

• Gifts

Your love language doesn’t necessarily always stay the same, you may speak many different languages, especially as situations and life changes. However, people tend to have one or two primary languages at any given point in time. Knowing someone’s love language can help you better communicate both love and/or appreciation. It can also help you identify when someone is expressing love and appreciation to you in a language that is not your own. 

For example, if your administrative assistant’s language is gifts- get her flowers on Administrative Professionals Day (psst it’s April 24th this year).  But if his language is words of affirmation, get him a card and hand write a personal note of appreciation. Seriously.

Maybe your wife’s language is service. In that case, helping with something on her to do list like laundry, dishes, or grocery shopping shows love and appreciation more than flowers (flowers are always nice too though, if you’re already at the grocery store, you might as well… just saying). On the other hand if your husband’s language is quality time, block out time for a date night for just the two of you and not only stick to it, but leave your phone in your purse and don’t look at it. One on one time when your spouse doesn’t feel like he’s competing for attention with the kids, your job, or your phone is the absolute best way to show your love to someone whose language is time.

Is this starting to make sense? Maybe by reading this you’re realizing how you tend to show your love and appreciation to people. Do you spend hours agonizing over the perfect gift only to have your heart broken when it’s looked at quickly and set aside? Or maybe you spent those hours choosing and writing a kind card for a friend’s birthday, and when you give it to them, they skim it without reading your carefully chosen words. Ouch.

If your language was gifts in the first example or words in the second, it may feel as though your effort went unnoticed or was not appreciated in return.  On the other hand, maybe that person you gave the gift to wants nothing more than an uninterrupted hour or two with you. She may still appreciate your gift, or on the far end of the spectrum if you haven’t been spending any time together she may actually feel like you are trying to buy her love. WHAT?!? That’s not at all what you meant by your gift… that you spent so much time and effort to find.  

In the same vein, maybe the friend you gave the card to is juggling two toddlers and a full time job along with all the normal day to day “adulting.” This friend is in the weeds, and bringing her a meal she can put in her slow cooker, or picking up her dry cleaning on your way over to pick her up for a much needed walk around the neighborhood could mean more to her than a card if she currently speaks the language of service.

Do you see where this is going?

So this Valentine’s Day, and every day, I ask you to take time and consider not only your love language, but the language of the people you care about. By making an effort to speak in other people’s languages, not only will you show your affection but you’ll be building a path to better relationships. And if there’s one thing I truly believe with all of my heart, it’s that the quality of your relationships directly influence the quality of your health.  

If you don’t immediately know your love language take the quiz (if you don’t want to enter your info, just download the PDF). And when you have the time, I highly recommend that you read or listen to either The 5 Love Languages or one of the offshoots to learn more. They have everything from The 5 Love Languages of Children, Teenagers, For men, In the workplace, to a special Military Edition.

Share your language and a meaningful way for someone to show their love and appreciation to you in the comments!

BONUS RESOURCES

Book Report: The Five Love Languages
1st Year Of Marriage- Relationship Check-Up
Know Your Type to Improve Your Relationships
Weekly Life Assessment