Book Report- The Five Love Languages
/A couple weeks ago my husband and I made a last minute trip to Chicago. As you may know, we’ve been doing a serious home renovation over the last year and it was finally time for some of the fun stuff… furniture! Unfortunately, even though we went to several (nine) furniture stores in St. Louis, we couldn’t find exactly what we wanted. We had decided to invest in a nice leather sofa that would be easy to clean, look good in the house we’re doing now, and would easily transition to another space as soon as we are ready. As we were searching, we’d find a sofa in the style we liked, but not the color or material we were looking for. We did see plenty of leather sofas, but unfortunately I personally felt they would look better in a hunting lodge than our living room.
In case you’ve never done one, you should probably know that home renovations aren’t easy. In fact, they’re pretty stressful. One project snowballs into another, and before you know it you’re practically gutting the whole house (please don’t do this to yourself if you can avoid it, trust me). Granted, I’ve only done this whole home renovation once, but I’d also suggest that you don’t do it the first year you are married if you can avoid it.
Unfortunately, we did both. We started the project a couple months after our wedding because of a plumbing issue that was in the walls behind the kitchen sink. Because we had to tear out the cabinets it seemed like the right time to update the kitchen, including the kitchen floors. Of course, if we were going to do the kitchen floors, it made sense to do the floors in the entire house since we wanted them to match. And so it began…
Ten months later, here we were, on our way to Chicago finally ready to start ordering furniture.
If there is one thing that I truly believe, it’s that we are all works in progress. Every day we have the opportunity to get better. Since the moment I committed to Rob in front of our friends and family our marriage has been something I continuously want to make better.
Which leads me to this book.
I borrowed it on audio from Hoopla (but I have a physical copy in my library!) and we listened to it together on our mini-road trip. To be fair, I borrowed a couple books so I could let him choose which one we would “read,” but he let me choose, and I went with this one since I knew we could complete it during our trip.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
First and foremost, if you haven’t actually read (or listened to) The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, I would highly recommend it. Yes, you can use the assessment tool to try and figure out your love language and ask your spouse to take the quiz as well, but it’s not the same.
A couple years ago I asked my husband to take the quiz because while I thought I knew his primary love languages, I wanted to be sure (see wanting to do marriage the best I can above). So he took the quiz and when we tallied it up, his results were almost completely opposite of what I expected. I cried foul, and while I tried explain why his results didn’t make sense, I didn’t have the words or the knowledge to do it justice.
The book, however, has the words. As we listened to the stories and examples Chapman lays out in his book, my husband realized that his love language was something that he’d basically taken for granted because it was such an important part of his relationships. Since it seemed to him like a natural way to act and react, and he didn’t realize that it may not be the same way for everyone. Maybe that was why his primary love language came up as number four on the quiz.
It was also nice to get more insight into my love languages. My primary love language is quality time, followed closely by words of affirmation then acts of service. Hearing the stories of other people who have quality time as their love language helped me understand why I’ve felt disconnected from different people throughout my life. More than that, though, it helped me realize my part in getting what I need. While I would love my husband to read my mind and specifically carve out quality time for the two of us, the likelihood of that happening is small, and the occasions will be few and far between (after listening to the book, he realized that quality time was actually number four on his list). I realized that I need to not only request time from the people I love, but also specify what that time looks like for it to fulfill my needs.
While some of the language in the book may seem kind of silly, the concepts are not. Chapmen talks about filling “love tanks” and playing “tank check” games. Occasionally it seems like he takes the language metaphor a little too far when talking about dialects, but it does help you get the point.
After all, quality time to one person may not be quality time to another. It’s important not only to learn your spouse’s language, but also how to “speak” it. It’s equally important to be able to communicate how you like your language spoken. After all, if the point is to create better relationships and marriages, communicating how and when you feel loved will make the processes 100 times easier.
As I said at the beginning, read this book. And if not this book, one of the other love language books. Chapman has written The Five Love Languages for children, teenagers, men, singles, in the workplace, and even a special Military Edition.
And you don’t have to read it with your person either. Maybe you don’t have a road trip planned, or maybe your person isn’t ready to start doing this type of work yet. (The first time I read this book I read it alone.) I realize not everyone can convince their person to read or listen to a book about relationships with them. However, even reading the book on your own so you can use the tools that Chapmen suggests is bond to help, even if you’re the one using them for time being.
What it comes down it is this; if you want to be better in your relationship, marriage or otherwise, this book is a must read. Just read it, it’s worth it.
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Side note: after we returned my sweet hubby surprised me Monday night with a nice, quiet dinner (quality time) , the sweetest card (words of affirmation), and flowers (gifts)! Oh, and then he cleaned up (acts of service). I was in 7th Heaven, my friend. If you can, read or listen to this with your significant other. #worththeinitialcomplaining
The Five Love Languages are:
Words of Affirmation (words)
Quality Time (time)
Physical Touch (touch)
Acts of Service (service)
Gifts
