1st Year of Marriage- Relationship Check-Up
/Monday is our 1 year wedding anniversary. And you know what? Marriage is hard. Like really hard. To quote one of my favorite authors,
“All due respect to the Resurrection, but two-becoming-one might be the greatest miracle ever.”
(Thank you Jen Hatmaker for keeping it real in your book For the Love)
Don’t get me wrong. It’s also amazing, and exciting, and a whole lot of fun to be able to see your favorite person first thing every morning… but I feel like the movies give us enough of that stuff. What I find lacking in the conversation about marriage is real, honest accounts of how tough marriage can be, but how it’s totally possible to still make it work. We hear the really great stuff, or the really bad stuff. But rarely do I hear people talking about the in-between stuff (except Jen, who I mentioned earlier has a fabulous chapter devoted to it in her book, For the Love. If you haven’t read it do yourself a favor and pick up the audio copy, because listening to her read it will have you laughing out loud).
So while our first year of marriage was far from perfect (what even is perfect?), we did pretty okay. And I thought I’d share some of the stuff we did to navigate the in-between in case you need a little inspiration in your relationship.
Some of the things we did right this year:
We took a long, delayed honeymoon
Delaying our honeymoon for six months was one of the best choices we made. I know most couples take their honeymoons right after the wedding, and if that’s the right choice for them, then perfect. But instead of forcing our relationship into the “norm,” we went with what was a better option for us.
We knew that our wedding weekend was going to be a crazy weekend filled with activities, family, and friends. The idea of also packing and getting ready for a honeymoon on top of that was overwhelming (and in hindsight, terrifying!). We did take a couple days off after the wedding (he took one, Memorial Day, I took two), but instead of taking off several days and making that our honeymoon, we delayed and were able to combine our honeymoon with a stellar vacation six month later. Peru and Chile was the perfect combination of sight-seeing, rest, and activities and there’s no way we would have been able to enjoy it the same way right after the wedding.
Moral of the story? Do what’s right for you and your relationship. You don’t have to do something in a particular way just because that’s how it’s “done.” You don’t like cake? Don’t have one! You don’t want a big wedding? Fine. Go to the courthouse, or Vegas. As long as you and your partner agree and make the decisions together, you’re going to be fine. Do your relationship the way you want to. After all, it’s your relationship.We went on dates
Not as many as I would have liked. But we went on them. We planned them ahead of time, and I dressed up and put on lipstick. (For those of you who have never seen me out of the gym, this is my thing. If I want to look dressed up I wear red lipstick. If you look closely, I very well may still be wearing leggings, but the red lipstick fools everyone. Which is great, because red lipstick is way more comfortable than jeans. Just saying.)
I also made nice meals at home, which I like doing when I have a functioning kitchen (which I will again at the end of this month hopefully. Fingers crossed!), and had movie nights at home. I know for those of you who have kids date nights at home may not be the best/easiest option, but we don’t have them, so it works well for us right now.
I’m convinced that dating your spouse is crucial to keeping your relationship healthy and strong. Yes, I realize I haven’t even been married a year yet (4 more days!), but if spending time to together and getting to know each other is what created the connection and chemistry that sparked the marriage in the first place, how would stopping that practice do your relationship any good. You have to date your spouse.I went to Therapy
Yes. I said it. I saw (and still see) a counselor. Figuring out how to meld adult habits together while running a business and living in a house under construction is hard. So is the first year of marriage in general (This is the truth. Once you start talking to people they will tell you that this is the truth, but they generally don’t offer the “first year of marriage is hard” conversation unless you start the conversation. Start the conversation. It’s okay, we’ve all been through it and live to tell). You’ve got to learn how to maneuver a new family and new family traditions… and I don’t mean each of your individual families- but the new family you just created. And it’s best to start laying expectations at the beginning.
Having an outside person help you sort through the tough stuff is awesome. By sorting through the hard stuff now, you can hopefully avoid some of the catastrophic stuff later on. And, as I tell my clients, if you have a doctor for your teeth, why wouldn’t you have one for your brain. If you can make it work, regular check-ups are good for you. Smart people go to therapy, I’m convinced.
We did a marriage check-in the weekend before our anniversary (last weekend) and combined it with a weekend getaway
Yes. I am that girl. I figure if I make my body fat loss clients do check-ins once a month, then our marriage deserves a solid check-in at least once a year. And what perfect time to do it other than our weekend getaway the week before our 1-year anniversary?
I brought our marriage-prep journals (if you are engaged and haven’t don’t pre-marital counseling- do it, you won’t regret it. If you’re getting married in a church they may require it, but even if the person marrying you doesn’t require it, just do it. It’s worth it.), a notebook, and a “we’re going to do this, okay” attitude along on the trip, and thankfully he humored me. And it was good. Really good. We had the opportunity to talk over some of the priorities we had set for our first year of marriage and how they worked out. Then, we made some goals on how to better focus on those priorities in the coming year.
Making goals together can be challenging, it was for us. We both had to push a little in one way or another (I wanted to make more/bigger goals, he didn’t want to make overzealous goals), but overall, it sparked great conversation. And conversation equals connection.
As a bonus, on our way home from our trip we started making a list of date activities and restaurants we’d like try. Which will help us in one of our goals for our first priority. Our marriage.
Side note: On our weekend getaway we created our definition of a “date.” That way there is no question from either of us about whether or not we’re going on the amount of dates we said we would.We chose to stay committed to the relationship
Even when we’re frustrated, and even when we don’t like each other very much. We always say, “I love you.” (Actually, the words “I love you. I don’t like you very much right now, but I always love you” may have come out of my mouth one or two times this past year). Remind your partner how much you love, care, and adore them. And everything will fall into place eventually. It’s going to take work, but if you choose to be committed, the work will be worth it.
Please don’t hear me wrong. Yes, there are situations when couples try to work things out and they don’t work. And yes, there are situations when one of the people needs to leave (read: unsafe), but by the nature of entering into a marriage and agreeing to be partners you are committing to working on the relationship. So do the work.
Not sure where to start? Start with what feels right for your relationship (see #1). Maybe it’s counseling (see #3), or maybe it’s spending more time connecting (see #2). Or maybe you need to dig in deep and do some research. Learning your love language and the language of your partner is a great place to start understanding what each other needs. Or maybe figuring out your Enneagram number is more exciting and interesting to you. There are tons of books, podcasts, and other resources out there. Dr. Google can help you find them all!
So here’s the thing. I don’t have all the secrets. Some of these things I’m figuring out as I go along. Some of these things I’m figuring out through conversations, by reading books, and listening to podcasts. No matter where they are coming from, I’m pretty sure these five things will stay true and help us as we continue into year two and beyond.
Now it’s your turn. Wherever you are in your relationship. As yourself.
Are you being true to your relationship and what works for you? Or are you doing what everyone else does?
Are you still dating each other?
Do you have an unbiased person to talk to about difficult situations? Either as individuals or as a couple?
Do you check-in on your relationship together and set priorities for growth?
Are choosing to stay committed to working on your relationship?
As I said, I don’t have all the answers. But I’ll continue to share what works for us. Because I truly believe that our relationships and the quality of our relationships directly influence our overall health and wellbeing. And that’s why you’re here.
Resources:
The 5 Love Languages Book
Beyond Mars and Venus Book
The Road Back to You Book
The Path Between Us Book
Typology Podcast
The Enneagram Institute Website
For the Love Book
TalkSpace.com Website (I haven’t used this, but I’ve heard good things)